There comes a time in life when you’re tired. And you want to give up. Or at least not make as much effort as needed. When dreaming about how things could have gone is the only way you know that what you did was just take the easy way out because you were tired.
There really is no explanation for this sudden tiredness. There are just some things that you tend to purposely overlook because avoiding them and acting like they never happened is so much easier then confronting them. People are very much like that. I know that now. Because i am tired. I’ve started overlooking certain things. Certain habits that my heart tells me to speak out against because it causes me immense pain but my brain rationalises that i am much too tired to really care.
So, what you start doing is piling your problems and worries and opinions. Write them on separate parchments of paper, roll them and securely tuck them away in a bottle. And when the sea is rough enough you just let them go. Float away from you. Taken away by the tides. Because you were far too tired to actually sit, talk and change.
No, i’m not talking about the big things. I’m talking about the small things that people do. And you don’t bring it up because even though you’re hurt you don’t want to get into a fight, an argument or a disagreement. Keeping quiet is easier than wasting energy that no longer seems to be there. You just take it all quietly. There are no tears anymore. The tear ducts have remained dry for quite some time. It’s almost like you’re immune. Vaccinated against them. Your body has the white blood cells to fight such instances. It’s there to protect you. And that is all you can expect from it.
You laugh it off. Shrug it off. They say no offense and sometimes they don’t even realise what they’ve said. But neither of those times make it easier. No it doesn’t get less painful but you learn to tuck it away. Lock it in a far corner of your mind and only ever take it out to finally dispose of it in a sea of endless of blue. A sea of depths unknown.
And all you can do is tuck that loose strand behind your ear, smile and look away. Yes, you do hope that they realise. But then your heart tells to not get your hopes up because if they haven’t realised it till now, chances are they are going to stay oblivious for the rest of their lives. I made the mistake of speaking up once and only learned that they have more excuses to back themselves up. They don’t see the wrong in themselves but instead find it in you. And it is then that you learn that you’re tired and you want to give up. Yes, i am TIRED. And there is only so much i can do.