One Cloud Left

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My life is dangling by a single thread

Pull too hard and it’ll come apart

Tear at the seams

And putting it back together will be impossible

A small piece becomes useless

Its shelf life over

Either it’s swept away by the wind

Or trampled on by the dozens of feet

But thing is for sure

That life is over

You can’t sew back anything together with that useless piece of thread

That lone piece that no longer fits anywhere

Twirling it in your fingers is like holding onto lost hope

Broken hope

Carrying on for only so long even though you know the answer

That thread is like the last cloud in the sky

Before the sun decides that it no longer it needs it anymore

And just like that it disintegrates

The rays separating right through

So that losing itself into smaller indefinable particles becomes inevitable

That last cloud

That last thread

Is a reminder

A haunting of what could never be

Could never be achieved

A tease

Baring it all

When baring nothing at all

Until it’s over

Finished

That last cloud

That one cloud left in the sky

Was my only hope

But like every other hope

It too seems to be leaving

Onto more formidable grounds

To someone who will prove to be beneficial and worthy

You see it too has lost hope

That thread and cloud

Has lost hope in me

 

Catching Up on the Weekend

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After the much hectic week, i always always welcome to weekend with open arms. Pull it in and squeeze every fibre of relaxation into to me. Its bursts into a spectrum of colours, passing through me without effort and making every inch of my body glow.

Sleep.

Something i don’t get enough off during the week. My body wants the shut down half the time but my brain refuses. On the weekend my body decides to press the mute button of my brain. And i always fall asleep. Never mind what i need to complete for Monday. Right now, in this moment i am free.

Lounge around.

Everything and i do mean everything has to wait till Sunday night. I don’t care because my body officially goes on vacation mode every Friday night. I put on my bathing suit, my sunglasses perched over my nose, the warm summer breeze blowing at me from the fan above, a seashell pressed at my ear and a cocktail in my hand.

And tomorrow just happens to be Monday.

In Which I Want to Pull A Serena van der Woodsen

Serena van der Woodsen, who i expect most of you to know, was very well-known for her ‘running away’ antics at the first sight of trouble among other things. And by trouble i mean when life got hard.

A few months into the end of college i too just want to run away. Not because i can’t bear to part with such a memorable time and i-can’t-believe-it’s-ending but because i just need a change. A change of scenery, people…life. Drama seems to be following me like a horrible soap opera, and while i’ve tried to keep my head above water and try not to drown, it hasn’t been easy. So many factors come into play. One too many to mention here. Its just become harder to handle.

I’ve been told not to immerse myself with stress and just remain indifferent (like oh so many people are doing) but i just can’t. If i do something i have to hear about it. Do something else and then hear about it from the other side. Trapped in a box of eternal subjugation and keeping every one happy, at the same time just racking my brain with ‘what ifs’.

After reading quite a few of my posts you would have come to realise that i’m tired. Let me explain. I’m tired in the sense that confrontation i find to be more anxiety provoking and stressful than would be if i just keep everything bottled up. I’m standing in the dark.

I guess, after all this time or lets just say 2 years i have come to understand something. While i have had some amazing times and wonderful cherishable memories…there have been some not-so-cherishable ones too. Like i said my life would be opted for some soap opera pretty soon.
But what i did come to understand (like i was saying earlier) was that maybe what i wanted wasn’t what was best for me. Maybe i should have just let it be after the first letter came in.

Food for thought: there is a reason certain things happen. Just accept them and move on.

And so, i wish to pull a Serena van der Woodsen.

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How I Spell H.A.T.E

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A lion’s roar is my yawn

When I open my mouth a stream of curses flow out

Like the river that refuses to stop

Floods the surrounding land in the midst of a monsoon

Destroying all life in its wake

I am the woman who floats on water

Atop a broken door

All that’s left of my house

Arms spread up towards the sky

I scream at Your injustice

I am the boy who steals away from his house at the dead of night

Painting the world

How he sees it

So that when the world sees it

They realise that colours of anger reflect more than one emotion

I am the librarian who sits behind a shield all through the day

Cataloging every book known to man and more

Her hands move in sync

Creating music she so longs to hear

If only the world hadn’t told her to hush up

I am the girl

Pushed from side to side

If only there was someone brave enough to take a stand for me

If only I was brave enough to take a stand for myself

But alas I must wait till I grow up and realise this on my own

I am the scars on your hands

White and red lines

So perfectly spaced out

Your dying wish

Eternal reminders of what you wanted to escape

I am the gunshot wound on your shoulder

A gaping hole

If you take a look inside

All you’ll see are your flesh and bones

Reality that screams the lost value of life

I am a hero

Drinking away the confines of my insanity

Masking my true identity

Loneliness is my best friend

Why the hell did I take up this job?

I am your heart

Thumping away

Break dancing in your chest at the sight of him

You sell me short yet I am almighty

I piece myself back together, always ready for you to throw me at another

I am the words inked on your body

Something new everyday

Meaning unknown to you and you alone

A reminder of a past unforgettable

A vow

The World Through My Eyes

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The sea looks so serene
In the dead of night
Moonlight
The road to infinity
Ripples
Small bumps on the way
Gentle pushes
Swaying along the current
Till i can reach home

Blood curdling screams
Crimson
My hands shake
Pool of blood at my feet
Sticky
My bare toes curl under
Scarlet
Like the lipstick
I fumble to remove
Frantic
It spreads

Wings flap above me
White
Pristine feathers
Wrap around me
Warm
Shielding me from the cold
Covering my eyes
Only fragments visible
Just enough
Not too much

His hands wrap around my torso
Fingers entwined
Woven together
Made into one
Violet
My sigh inescapable
Whispers on my forehead
Nose
Cheeks
Lips

My dream’s an abyss
Dark and bottomless
Black
Like the velvet sky
At an eclipse
The sound’s louder
Hands reach out
Grab
And pull

Musty
Dust covered books
Pasts forgotten
Futures ruined
Presents famished
Chapter by chapter
Destroyed
One page torn at a time
God complex

They broke me
Made me indifferent
Desensitized
Scars visible
For the world to see
I share these with them all
They too are broken
Afraid
Lost
In a world that chooses to exploit
Manipulate
Its way into our hearts

The day i met you
Smiles and dimples
Big blue eyes
Fascination infinite
Innocence second nature
Flowers tattooed on your skin
Glitter in your hair
Plump fingers reached out
Took ahold
But the fall was hard
Reality pushed and pulled
Exposed
Naked
Finally the world was no longer perfect
The world through your eyes
Through my eyes
Was broken

Crybaby

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The tears fall down her face
She wonders what it was this time
Crybaby they whisper
Which makes her wail louder
And hide behind her mother
Smirks carefully placed upon their faces
Amusement at the sight of her
Blotchy face
Running nose
Scarlet cheeks
And tear stained face
To her she is a crybaby

Today she stand in front of the mirror
Eyes red and puffy
Everything else unrecognizable
How did i get here she thinks
She doesn’t cry anymore in front of them
Her solace the isolation of her bedroom
Where she without hesitation can let go
She shows her tears to a select few
Who she knows won’t snicker at her expense
But help her wipe those worries away
Crybaby chose to be strong for those who need an excuse
To call her names and render her a recluse

She still hurts
She still tears up
But not in front of them
No
For they don’t care
They laughed at her expense
And when the tear ducts had dried up
For a few years
They didn’t what to do with themselves
For she was their daily entertainment
Free of charge
A never ending soap opera
But she said enough
Why should i change for them?
Why should i bottle up hurt
And toss it away into a sea of forgotten emotions
They don’t dictate who i am
It’s my birthday and i’ll cry if i want to

Overrated

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When a fight becomes bigger than your friendship, what does that imply? When you leave on one of the most important days of your friend’s life. How does that reflect on you and your friendship?

I begged you

Begged

Begged

Begged

To come downstairs

To be there for her

But you couldn’t give a damn

Now I get these feelings…that what we had is falling apart. And even after what you did she asks me if she should apologize. I want to tell her no. But I’m conflicted as well. You shouldn’t have left.

I cried

At the whole situation

It was unfair to her

That the best friend she loved

Found it in herself

To walk out

Just like that

And I’m sorry to say, but my doubts are overpowering me. You have lost all respect in the eyes of everyone. You were going to almost ruin her day, but I hid the fact that you walked out. But then I couldn’t anymore, and I had to tell her.

That the friend she loved like a sister

Found throwing a tantrum

Worth her time

But giving her friend a smile

Not so much

You could have argued and fought later

Because yesterday was HER day

And you almost ruined it. Selfish. And when I look at the situation now, pathetic. That you fell so low. Found it within yourself to treat her like that. I’m sorry that I came to beg. Sorry that you had to hear my voice because if you couldn’t come down even after that…then I’m afraid you already know the answer to that.

I Love You…

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Three words

Eight letters

So easy

Yet so complex

Swarming around me

Like incessant flies

That can’t take a hint

The word itself may appear to be nothing

Like the chocolate I eat today

But the power it holds remains forever

Or for at least some time

To each his own

Those words can either be a burden

The bricks balanced on our shoulders

Or they can be as sweet as honey

Laden in warm water

That mama gives me whenever my voice fails me

But at least I know she doesn’t fail me

That is love

When she scolds and she screams

But comes at night with regret and grief

Kissing me goodnight

Telling me she loves me

I can kiss and I can surely hug

But what bothers me are those three words

The haunt me

Like the ghosts of my past

Making me look over my shoulder at every interval

Or maybe I’m afraid

Afraid of something even I don’t understand

Those words I cannot utter

Even though I try to reply

Its love I tell you

I accept it and return it

But not in words

Only in my heart

Your love is what keeps me going

Keeps me thinking about every move I make

Keeps me smiling

Even if some consider me too serious

But I try…

Everyday…

Even if life isn’t easy

And while I try to make lemonade

Remembering how easy it was for you

And how difficult it was for me

I know that as I grow with each passing second

Those words will leave my mouth some day

I too will taste the bittersweet flavor of the words

And that is love

The rivers that flow down my face

Hugging myself for warmth

Remembering your cold fingers

That smell I can’t describe

Of cumin and something old

The way I lay next to you every Friday afternoon

How our breathing leveled together

That is love

The fact that I still haven’t moved on

The truth is hard to accept

Because you were so eternal

And I expected you to stick around

At least till I graduated

Why do I fool myself?

Thinking I know

Know what love is

The way it tastes

The way it smells

Why it burns

Why we yearn

I’ll scream ‘I LOVE YOU’

From the tallest building

From the highest mountain

From the deepest ocean

Only to realise before the words leave my mouth

I don’t know what they mean

The World Needs More Love Letters

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TEDatNewYork_1208_IMG_2631_1920 (Photo credit: TED Conference)

Last year, I was inspired in the best possible way. I came across something (never quite understood how that happens, still) that completely changed me. It was something that I loved doing, but in a quirky and true-to-life way.

Hannah Brencher

And I was lucky enough, to not only get to be a part of something so awesome, but one of the letters I penned was in the video (in the beginning)!

The World Needs More Love Letters

 

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Pen penetrates paper

The words flow effortlessly

Paving poetry

Words of wisdom

Never mind the fact that we haven’t quite finished living

Tucked away

Under nooks and crannies

Coffee tables

Park benches

Signed with love for

Unsuspecting strangers

They smile

They cry

And then they give back

It’s a circle

Infinite

Filled with words of love

We’re giving back

Changing the world

Making it a better place

One love letter at a time

Glitter

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Her hands clasped together

Fingers tightened around each other

Mangled

Tangled

The surface rough

Every particle

Every grain coarse

Her eyes shut

Feeling of touch

Her only savior

Blind

Wading through

Each stroke

The destination unknown

Tickles

Goosebumps

Glitter embedded into nail beds

Fingerprints

Skin

Her life

Erupts in glitter

A kaleidoscope of colour

A ray of hope

It rains down on her

Her hair

Her cheeks

Her lashes

Her nose

Each a sparkle of life

Her laugh rings out

Happy