When they purposely push your buttons

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I like to think I am a peace loving person. I have the peace signs and everything. But then again I have been in my fair share of fights and while I was only standing my ground then and believing in what I thought right, I can’t not say that I didn’t receive any battle scars. That I didn’t come out unscathed. Because it won’t be true.

So, in the middle of the year I made myself a resolution, no matter how far New Year’s Eve was, and promised myself that I would stay clear of fights like it were the plague. And so far, it’s been going great.

Like I said, so far. But recently it’s been proving quite difficult. Want to know why? Because they are purposely pushing my buttons. Banging on the door of my anger and telling them to wake up from their hibernation. And yes, it grumbles and growls like an angry bear disturbed from his sleep and I’m not doing a pretty good job at keeping it at bay.

Now, it isn’t those enemies that provoke me. Nope. It’s those close to me. They tend to overlook the fact that I too am a human with feelings, just like them. If it’s not okay for them to get hurt and not okay for someone to be rude and mean to them, then it needs to apply to me too. I guess I am partly to blame for this behaviour. I think when I took on my peace stance I started to overlook such behaviour, when it was to a minimum mind you, and I guess I gave them the leeway to be this way with me. You know what they say, if they’re rude to you today who says they won’t be tomorrow. (Now I don’t know who says that, but I’ve only ever heard one person say that to me.)

Okay, let’s give them the benefit of the doubt, shall we? Maybe they were having an off day. Yeah, it’s completely fine to take out your frustrations and anger on those close to you! I may be a punching bag, as it seems, but at some point I’m going to start fraying where your fist meets me. Then, it’s completely okay to go about nothing happened a few minutes later. NO IT’S NOT! I NEED for you to apologize and mean it. Like I said, I’m fraying. Do NOT assume that just because we’re close that I’m going to take all of this. Yes, I have in the past but you really are waking a sleeping animal. There will come a point where I will stop caring about you and everything we had will start fading away. It’s already getting blurry on the edges.

I did keep my anger at bay. Yes, I was seething and I wanted to give them a piece of my mind. But I didn’t. I just ignored. I will ignore them till I feel like. Till I can get over this and toss the anger out. At least the majority of it. I was hurt. Still am. But if they think that they can hurt over things that you can’t even get hurt over, then so can I.

Stop purposely pushing my buttons so that I fight with you. Stop trying to provoke me.

Anger

You know that ‘bad feeling’ you get

When something isn’t right

Well, I get those

Far too many times then I would like

And they tend to slap me across the face

Making sure to leave a mark

 

People say life is an adventure

And as much as I love adventures

I’m sick of life turning unexpectedly

Before I can get used to things

Before I can settle myself in

Before I can get comfortable

 

We all have a tell

That manages to show everyone what we’re capable of

Of what we’ve been hiding

Of what we want to continue hiding

They get under our skin

And pull it out

Expose you for all you are

And still manage to be subtle about it

 

“Trust me,” they whisper

And thinking that they mean true

You bear your soul to them

Only to notice the whole class whispering

Yeah, they know

And you won’t be making that mistake again

 

You scream

And you shout

Let it all out

Or you bottle it in

Calm yourself down before to do something regretful

 

At that moment you feel the tears prickling your eyes

Feel your heart break a bit

Anger

Anger at your own stupidity of trusting someone

Of opening up to someone

And in that moment you promise

That you sure as hell won’t be making that mistake again

 

Anger

When screaming in the pillow isn’t enough

When crying and shouting doesn’t work

When you want to hurt

For all the hurt given to you

When you want to break something

Just throw it against the wall and watch it shatter

 

Anger is a dormant troll within us

Just waiting for the right moment

To pop out from under that bridge

When you finally make your decision to cross it

Anger is what keeps you awake at nights

Replaying mistakes

Knowing that never again will you be making them

Anger is making those mistakes again

And cursing yourself for them

Anger is a monster

And it feeds on you and me

 

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