They pack up and go.

Lav•en•der

Everyone tends to leave me. They pack up and go. A solemn goodbye is all I get.

Part of me wonders each time if a curse has been placed on me. It starts off with finding this amazing person, realizing that both of you are on the same boat and becoming the best of friends. Only as it happens, they leave to write the next chapter of their life somewhere else, somewhere far from you and all you end up doing is shedding a few tears of sadness over losing them and wishing them good luck.

Social media no longer helps.

At first we make promises of never losing touch with one another. A promise that remains etched onto our skin like a tattoo, one we intend to fully fulfill. Only life catches up and sure enough excuses become more visible than ‘hellos’ and ‘how are yous?’ And from talking every day we move to talking only on the weekends till we’re left leaving a wall post on their birthday. Inboxes remain empty because there is a hesitation within you that stops your fingers from collaborating an intricate piece of reminiscing and catching up.

Our friendship was like a symphony that flowed naturally without disturbance. So how did it lose sound over time? I wish I could stop you from leaving. Press pause or just tear out that chapter that requires for you to leave.

Eventually, life resumes its usual course and you learn to sidestep those memorable moments and places for sometime till they stop hurting and you become consumed in your own life once again. Your hesitation of how you will continue without them, no longer exists.

Travelling together.

Spending important moments together.

Wedding.

I tend to imagine everything tenfold. But alas, circumstances always catch up and just as quickly the future no longer seems on our side.

I wish everything didn’t seem like a distant dream or a single wish that my heart makes even though it knows it’s all far-fetched.

I no longer hold the key to our friendship and I’m afraid neither do you. But a part of me will always hope against it all that even when we meet, whenever that may be, things are just the way we left them.

I pray that distance really does make the heart grow fonder.

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Girl Against Girl

I’m so excited to be featured on So Worth Loving. I love what they stand for!

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We talk of equality and yet we refuse to exercise it in our own homes.

Feminism is inked onto our skin and yet the female population is always on opposing sides.

Spreading of rumors and nasty words tend to leave lifelong scars.

What she didn’t realise was that her own friend would be the one to make stories.

And stories she made.

And people spread their hands out.

Ate every word that left her mouth.

And begged for more

Like population new to food.

To read further…http://blog.soworthloving.com/girl-against-girl/

Things I Will Never Tell You #3

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Nowadays, it is almost like whatever i do or whichever decision i take, you are never happy with it.

Unless i ask for your advice, please refrain from giving it to me. Because while you may mean to explain and teach, you actually become really mean. Obnoxious. And i start doubting myself.

I shouldn’t have to explain everything to you. I am not a pushover. Stop insinuating that i am. I know exactly what is happening and i just to react the way i do. My decision. Because i want to keep the peace. Me.

You make it really difficult, though. It’s like throwing lighter fluid on a flame. You look for excuses to make issues and fight. Granted, some one else is creating issues, but i seriously don’t need you to demean me and prove to me how stupid i am for trusting and letting people walk over me.

I want to make peace. Create it and keep it. Preserve it for tomorrow’s war. Just so that when i uncap the bottle, every particle of peace comes flowing out and nothing can ignite the destruction that would have unfolded otherwise.

You make me feel pathetic. And trust me, it is the worst feeling in the world. Broken and scathed. Singing : “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” Don’t you get it, this was exactly what made me keep people at arms length. Close enough, yet not close at all.

I’m guessing, you just don’t like the fact that i play Switzerland half the time.

Family vs. Friends

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What do you do when you have to choose between your family and your friends? Two parts of your body, like the arms attached to your torso. Both close enough to touch, yet divided by an invisible line. But aren’t your friends your family too? You know them like the anatomy of your body. Every crevice, every dimple, every birthmark, every mole. They say your friends are the family you choose but what do you do when you have to make a further choice? And the outcomes are the same at either decisions. Who do you pick? Friend? Or family?

I guess the logical thing to do would be to listen to your heart. Scratch that. There is never a logical thing to do. Well then, how about this? You leap. You have an idea of what awaits you below but then again you never really know. All you decide is whether you want to be as graceful as a ballerina or just canon-ball straight in.

My dad always says, “Don’t stress. Just relax and live your life like that.” And me being the ever stressful person who welcomes stress by leaving the front door wide open. So that stress never lives life homeless and i am the one who gives stress food and warmth. Why? Because no matter how many times i’m told, i don’t know the first thing about living a life without fretting and stressing.

I asked my heart what i should do. And i already knew what it would say. Yet, i still heard her answer. “Family.” That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less. Just save me from the aftermath of it all, though.

Tired 2.0

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I could use a fairy godmother
Right about now…
Anytime please
I’m waiting

I’m tired
My brain hurts
My shoulders droop from all the stress
How much longer before i combust for good?

A break
Not the breakdown i’m anticipating any day now
But the good, fun kind
Just away from home, from family, from school

I’m starting to think
Been doing that a lot
More than usual, actually
That this year isn’t exactly starting off great *foreshadowing, maybe*

And then this country
This city
Always manages to contradict its plans with mine
STOP!

I need to take a breather
A long hibernation
Laugh till my insides hurt
Haven’t really done that without thinking about other things

My migraines
Could be hereditary (they actually are without a doubt)
Or caused by stress
That everyone fails to understand

Why do words define everything?
Why won’t they just look at me and see?
I don’t want to convey it to them
They should understand!

Tears they ignore
Quite blatantly
I need a change
A vacation
A long never-ending, vacation.

When they purposely push your buttons

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I like to think I am a peace loving person. I have the peace signs and everything. But then again I have been in my fair share of fights and while I was only standing my ground then and believing in what I thought right, I can’t not say that I didn’t receive any battle scars. That I didn’t come out unscathed. Because it won’t be true.

So, in the middle of the year I made myself a resolution, no matter how far New Year’s Eve was, and promised myself that I would stay clear of fights like it were the plague. And so far, it’s been going great.

Like I said, so far. But recently it’s been proving quite difficult. Want to know why? Because they are purposely pushing my buttons. Banging on the door of my anger and telling them to wake up from their hibernation. And yes, it grumbles and growls like an angry bear disturbed from his sleep and I’m not doing a pretty good job at keeping it at bay.

Now, it isn’t those enemies that provoke me. Nope. It’s those close to me. They tend to overlook the fact that I too am a human with feelings, just like them. If it’s not okay for them to get hurt and not okay for someone to be rude and mean to them, then it needs to apply to me too. I guess I am partly to blame for this behaviour. I think when I took on my peace stance I started to overlook such behaviour, when it was to a minimum mind you, and I guess I gave them the leeway to be this way with me. You know what they say, if they’re rude to you today who says they won’t be tomorrow. (Now I don’t know who says that, but I’ve only ever heard one person say that to me.)

Okay, let’s give them the benefit of the doubt, shall we? Maybe they were having an off day. Yeah, it’s completely fine to take out your frustrations and anger on those close to you! I may be a punching bag, as it seems, but at some point I’m going to start fraying where your fist meets me. Then, it’s completely okay to go about nothing happened a few minutes later. NO IT’S NOT! I NEED for you to apologize and mean it. Like I said, I’m fraying. Do NOT assume that just because we’re close that I’m going to take all of this. Yes, I have in the past but you really are waking a sleeping animal. There will come a point where I will stop caring about you and everything we had will start fading away. It’s already getting blurry on the edges.

I did keep my anger at bay. Yes, I was seething and I wanted to give them a piece of my mind. But I didn’t. I just ignored. I will ignore them till I feel like. Till I can get over this and toss the anger out. At least the majority of it. I was hurt. Still am. But if they think that they can hurt over things that you can’t even get hurt over, then so can I.

Stop purposely pushing my buttons so that I fight with you. Stop trying to provoke me.